Self-Help Guide for the Heart-Broken

Following a broken heart, the rational actions of a person are often shut down, he or she tends to incomprehensible behavior for outsiders such as total surrender, self sacrifice but also violence. How realistic the desired relationship is for a person suffering from lovesickness is often irrelevant, because love can totally ignore boundaries of educational background, social restrictions, age or wealth. A Broken heart is worse than a toothache. Unfortunately, it cannot be cured with medication.

Here are my tips for the successful conquest of lovesickness and heartache.


Of course you may be sad, cry, scream and feel unhappy. Your first goal should be to gain a little distance from the ex-partner. This can be pretty difficult because memories ‘pursue’ us; common interests, ‘our song’; Pictures and little things which remind us of ‘him’ or ‘her’ and instantly transport us into a state of sadness and loneliness.

Many people advise us to remind ourselves of the negative aspects around the ex-partner and counsel us to realize that the relationship wouldn’t have worked anyway. This is easier said than done. You have probably tried to do this already and focused on the memory of a) their jealousy was principally annoying to you, b) he forgot your birthday last year, c) his friends were always more important than you, d) he stifled you and always wanted you there for him, e) the many fights, f) the phone number you found in his pocket the other day.

These are only a few examples, and everybody knows what I am talking about. They are things which always annoyed us during the relationship. The difference however is that in the moment we have no relationship and would gladly bear all these ‘things’ just to get our partner back.

Here I will show you how it really works!


Have a good cry. Be sad and let your feelings flow. Perhaps your best friend has some time for you, and you can talk about your heartache, maybe they can even stay overnight so you won’t feel so alone.

It is not shameful to have feelings and to suffer from a broken heart, and especially men often have a problem with this – just forget any social restrictions and let your feelings flow. It helps!

Please refrain from using alcohol or drugs, because alcohol and drugs don’t let you forget your sorrow but make the next morning and your emotional life into a night mare. One cannot deaden feelings with alcohol, and it doesn’t bring your lost partner back either.


Take a shoe box or other container in which you can ‘bury’ different items for a while. Examples of these items are:

Photos of him/her, Letters and post cards from him/her, his/her jewelry, CD’s or tapes with ‘your song’, gifts you have received from him/her in the past …. Delete his/her number from your cell phone, and everything else which strongly reminds you of him/her and which you can ‘bury’ in the shoe box.

Put this container in a safe place (e.g. the attic, the farthest corner of the closet, the basement).

This is helpful to not constantly be reminded of him/her and simplifies the healing process so that you can enjoy your life once more.

Now is the call for action!

Distract yourself. Take your life back. Meet with friends, go out, play sports, concentrate on job or school. Take a trip (a weekend trip to a friend or relative in another city can work wonders). Do things you enjoyed before your relationship.

Make a plan for the next week so that you have something to do each day so that boredom cannot set in. Right now, you have no use for boredom. Motivate yourself so that you don’t down in self pity. In the next few tips, you will find advice on how you can free yourself from the black hole. One of the magic words is ‘change.


Re-organize your room, paint your walls a different color or change your surroundings any other way. It is cruel to constantly sit alone in the place that used to be ‘your cuddle corner’ or stare at the empty armchair from which he always watched TV.
Change your surroundings, it works miracles!

Change yourself

go to the beauty parlor, cut your hair, color your hair or let it grow
go shopping and buy some new clothes
change yourself so that you like yourself and are happy about the change
Feel good
get a tan – a visit in the tanning booth brings much energy in the winter months and helps you feel good (but don’t overdo it)
Play sports

Work on your self confidence

Especially after a break-up we feel guilty and worthless. We look for reasons within ourselves, and that doesn’t help our confidence at all. You are not a monster, even if you made mistakes in the relationship. Every one of us makes mistakes, even your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend made mistakes in the relationship. You are (as I am and all others) a human being with many strengths, and your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend wouldn’t have had a relationship with you if you had been SOOO bad. After all, at one time, you were someone really special to them.
Free yourself from your self doubts and don’t bring yourself down by trying to analyze your mistakes or accept the whole burden of guilt for the breakup. A breakup has nothing to do with guilt – it just didn’t work out!

Go out, meet with friends, enjoy your life and don’t mope alone in your room, and you will see how much acknowledgement is waiting for you out there.

Distract yourself, but don’t rush into a new relationship with a still broken heart.

If you have not emotionally released the old relationship, avoid rushing into a new one. You may think that you can find comfort in the new relationship, but nobody can replace your lost partner, and you will basically just hurt yourself and your new partner.

You can, however, distract yourself by flirting. Flirting works wonders and will definitely help you loose your self-generated doubts. If a flirt tries to grow into something more, just be careful before you give the Flirt the opportunity to hurt you again. You have to be open to the new relationship, and you can’t be open as long as you are still emotionally attached to the old relationship. Therefore these ‘substitute relationships’ are doomed to fail.

Read how you can put this time to use for yourself on the next page.

The emotional confusion

Some days you feel totally great, have energy galore and are in a good mood. Other days you are overwhelmed by sadness and feel totally listless.
To handle these feelings you have to know yourself well. Take time for yourself and recognize new sides in you. You will be surprised how much of you there is to know.

Helpful Creativity

Try to put your feelings into works of art, for instance through painting, drawing, playing music, dancing, rhyming or singing. Even if you have never done this before and you don’t think you know how. Many people develop incredible creativity especially in those extremely painful and overly strong emotional times after a breakup. Especially by allowing the pain, the sorrow and the sadness, creativity helps work through these inner conflicts.


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